Elrohir, I Know
by Lydwina Marie
Summary: A year after Celebrian's sailing, the Peredhil family is still haunted by their grief. Just a short Elladan and Elrohir fic.


This is a oneshot from Elladan's POV after Celebrian's sailing, and something to appease your wrath at my procastination on Wounds So Deep. I promise, I'm writing it as fast as I can!

 **Elrohir, I Know**

Lydwina Marie

Naneth is gone.

Elrohir and I rescued her, brought her home, watched her thrive, and they said we saved her. But as we stood, hand in hand, watching her ship disappear into the West, we knew we had failed.

Now, over a year later, we are still plagued with doubt and grief. Adar has forced himself to recover. He can do no less, for he is Master of Imladris, with great responsibility. As for Arwen, my mother's Evenstar... For a time, I thought we would lose my little sister. She could not, or would not, speak; she wore gowns that were blacker than black, and laughed and smiled no more. But as time wore on, I believe she recovered the will to live, and rarely now do I waken in the night to her desperate sobs.

It is for my twin that I worry most, though. Elrohir says nothing, but I can see the anguish, the grief, swirling in his eyes. Adar has told me many times that he must speak, but I will not insist. For him, grief is too near.

But one evening as I prepare for bed, he comes in. He looks lost; there is something missing, though I cannot tell what it is. He glances at me through clear grey eyes, then down at his hands, then at me again. Finally, he speaks.

"Can you remember her smile?"

Elrohir takes me by surprise. I rather thought he would speak of Naneth, but I had not expected this.

I straighten and look at him for a moment.

"Yes," I say finally. "I can."

Elrohir smiles wistfully at me before walking to the window. "It was like sunshine – sunshine in the morning sky," he whispers. "Everything would be dark and bleak – and then she would come."

Neither of us say anything for a few minutes. Then I walk over and wrap an arm about his shoulders. I feel his love and trust flowing through our bond as he rests his head on my shoulder, his arm about my waist.

"Her eyes," I murmur at last. "Like the azure sea."

He says nothing, but I know we share the same unspoken thought.

The sea that took her from us.

Suddenly I feel a surge of despair welling in my heart. How can I learn to forgive her for leaving us – leaving _me_? I needed her! Elrohir needed her, Arwen needed her... we all needed her. How can I live with the knowledge I failed her – that all I did was not enough to keep her with us?

Beside me, Elrohir stiffens as he feels my uncertainty and weakness. His arm tightens, holding me closer.

"Elladan, we did not fail entirely." He senses what I am about to say, and continues quickly. "Nor did you fail. We brought her home, and Adar saved her life, and the love we held for her remade half her soul."

"And what of the other half?" I exclaim bitterly. "One cannot live with but half a soul, Elrohir, and you know it."

Elrohir gives me a humourless smile, and I see again the pain in his eyes. "The other half, Elladan, can be filled only by Eru in Valinor. She finds her joy there now; we should be glad for her."

"Why could she not have found it with us? Here, in Imladris, her home?" I cry. "She knew of the pain her sailing brought us. Could she not have chosen otherwise?"

"No, Elladan."

Elrohir's voice is patient and gentle; I feel my words catch in my throat. Why has he always been the steady one – the one who can make all things right? He always has the answers, the wisdom. So why could he not have convinced Naneth to stay with us?

"It was you!" I turn on him hotly, stepping back and glaring at him. "You made her go! You did not try to keep her here! And you are glad she left!"

With a choking moan, Elrohir turns and runs from the room, leaving me with a sudden realisation of what I have done.

* * *

Adar comes to me late that night as I lie awake. I do not ask him why he is here, for I know already.

"Elladan, what have you done?" He sounds worried and sad. "Elrohir lies weeping and he will not speak to me. What did you do?"

I sit up, my back turned to him. "It was his fault."

"Elladan, look at me!" My father's voice is dangerously impatient, and I obey. "What is his fault?"

"That Naneth left." I trace the pattern on his tunic with my eyes. I did not intend to say more, but now I could not help it. "He did not try to stop her, Ada! He let her go! He does not grieve as do the rest of us! He is laughing in his heart, this is what he intended all along!"

"Elladan..." Adar's voice trailed off in distress.

I meet his dark eyes defiantly. "What?"

"You did not tell him all that, did you? Please say you did not!"

My heart sinks as my father's worried tone registers. "Aye... for it is true!"

He drops heavily into a chair. "How could you? How could you be so... dense?" Seeing I do not understand, and take scant notice of the insult, he sighs. "Elladan, only a few days ago I managed to make Elrohir understand that Celebrían's sailing was not of his doing, as he had convinced himself! Now by your thoughtless words, you have destroyed the fragile self-confidence he managed to gather!"

I sit stunned. "Elrohir – blamed – himself?"

"He always does when things of this sort happen, but you do not care!" Elrond exclaims. "There must always be someone to blame, else..."

"Adar!" I interrupt. "I did not mean it... I am sorry!"

"If you do not mean it, do not say it!" My father lowers his voice with an effort. "Go to him, Elladan, but I warn you – do not presume on his forgiveness."

* * *

I stand for a long time outside Elrohir's door. I can hear nothing, no movements within. Perhaps he is asleep, I decide, and half-turn, as if to leave. But I cannot.

Opening the door, I step in. It takes a moment for me to see anything through the darkness, and it is cold. I shiver, reminded of the late hour.

"Go away."

My head jerks up. "Elrohir?"

"Go away."

I snatch at my chance and step forward impulsively. "If only you knew, Elrohir... I did not mean..."

"Go!" Elrohir backs away from me into the corner, turning his back.

And we swore to be together always.

I turn and leave the room, suddenly aware of the tears streaming down my cheeks. I stand outside his room for hours, shivering, unable to stop the sobs from leaving my throat. Muffling them in my sleeve, I lean against the wall and wait.

As dawn's first rays blossom over the sparkling waterfalls about Imladris, I cautiously open my twin's door, my heart catching as I see Elrohir. He is lying on his side, as he always does, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Tear stains track their way down his cheeks, almost, but not quite, dry. He is facing me, but he is lost in slumber.

I come forward slowly, never taking my eyes off him. He is like me in all but my rashness and careless words, I know. And we were meant to stay together, whatever the cost, and we would follow our paths of life side-by-side until we stood in Valinor, reunited with our mother. No one can ever come in between us. No one.

"Elrohir," I whisper, half-expecting him to stir, but he does not. "Elrohir, I have come only to tell you how sorry I am. I was wrong." A tear slipped, unheeded, down my cheek, then another and another as I continue to speak. "I was wrong to blame you. I was wrong to speak as I did, wrong to be angry, wrong to hurt you."

Elrohir turns restlessly away from me, and I reach for his hand with trembling fingers, but draw back before I touch him.

"I know you do not hear me," I whisper, my voice breaking. "You would wish me to go away forever, as Naneth did. But I cannot leave you! I love you too much, and we must stay together as we used to. I cannot live without half my soul – you are that half, Elrohir! I cannot go!" I drop to my knees by the bed, trembling as words spill from my lips. "I am sorry, Elrohir! You have always forgiven me and you stand fast in what you believe! You are always here with me, by my side, and I cannot have it any other way! Please, Elrohir, forgive me! I cannot bear living in constant doubt and fear – you pull me from despair each time I stumble. I cannot bear being alone in the darkness – and you are always there with me! If I lie wounded, you are there also, helping me, comforting me. Our tears have always flowed together, have always mingled... would you change this now? That is what you are to me, and more! I cannot say it all, but Elrohir, please..." I choke back sobs, resting my head on the quilt; "... please, stay with me?"

I have lost control, and I cannot stop crying. Then I feel a warm hand on my hair, stroking it gently, and my sobs only increase as I realise it is Elrohir.

"Shh, Elladan," he soothes. "I hold nothing against you; you were blinded by grief and so was I."

I lift my tear-stained eyes to meet my twin's, watching the ghost of a smile flitting over his face before he helps me onto the bed. "You have not slept all night, have you?"

"No." I rub a hand across my eyes, feeling all of a sudden how heavy with weariness they are. I pause then, unwilling to break the easy silence, but I know I have to say it. "Elrohir..."

Elrohir turns to look at me, his penetrating eyes instantly seeing what I wish to say. He turns away.

"Elrohir, it was not your fault!" I insist. "I spoke rashly! You know I am sorry for what I said, but she did not leave because you made her."

"Sometimes I wonder," Elrohir says softly, "if that is really true."

My heart sinks and I feel my tears returning. Holding them back fiercely, I reach for his hand and hold it tightly.

"It was not..."

"I wonder if I really did not try hard enough to keep her here," he says quietly. "Adar tries to tell me she could not have stayed if she wanted to, but maybe he is just saying that to comfort me."

"What Ada said is true!" I protest. "They scarred her soul, not merely her body, Elrohir! She would have faded and died if she had stayed with us. I did not understand before, but now I do, and you must as well!"

Elrohir glances at me, but he does not look convinced. I cannot stop now.

"We are a family, Elrohir! A separated one, but a family nonetheless. Naneth told us to have faith and we would meet again, and you must believe her."

Elrohir smiles tentatively and a sense of relief flows over me. New hope is born in a new day. It will take time – but I know now he will heal.

THE END


End file.
